Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
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I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
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I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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