Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
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I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
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I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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