I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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