I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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