I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
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