Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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