Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
