census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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