he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
