she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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