I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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