I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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