I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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