Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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