there's paper in my vomit.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
i think my cat just said my name.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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