i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
