he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
