I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks