Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
