I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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