need another drink. this is the easiest way
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize
