It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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