You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
