plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
How external is "for external use only"?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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