Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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