respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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