i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
