Dude my mom stole all your condoms
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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