Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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