I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
