I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
