Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
