I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
