I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
