life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
