I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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