"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
