Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
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You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
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She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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