So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
