i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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