Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
