I'm so fucking centered right now
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize