Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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