i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
