Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
