I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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