Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
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I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
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I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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