I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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