Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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