Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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