yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Pants 0. Shit 1.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
