Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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