they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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