I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
