my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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