He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
