The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
