God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
