Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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