you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
