Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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